I agree. I completely agree when people just shrug off from my sob stories saying, "Oh! You're such an emotional fool…" I agree I am an emotional fool. I am the stupidest person on the face of earth who just can't learn from his mistakes. Even if you have average smartness, you would make the same mistake twice, at most thrice. But I do that endless number of times. And the worse part is that I have so well mastered the art of doing so that, I can tell much earlier ahead that I am going to commit the mistake again very soon. I scold myself, scream at myself, slap myself out of it. Only to realize that its of no help. I do it everytime. And I don't know how many a more time I'm gonna do it. I just hang my heart out on a string for a gangs of vultures to knaw and claw at it. It hurts. It pains tremendously. And it heals so slow. But then after some time, when it has healed, I hang it back out there…
Love is a clichéd term. And this phrase is clichéd too. But the thing is people just don't understand what really love is all about. And I don't wanna explain down here, because its inexplicable. It can only be felt. All I say is I'm deficient in love. I have all the love for everyone but not the love that I need. Have you ever wondered what it feels like to be someone's special someone. An undivided love. A special love. Something that can't be shared. Something that's just yours. It belongs to you and no one else. And it doesn't have to be your lover. It could be anyone. Most people have someone who loves them more than anything else. My brother has Dad obsessed about him. My dad has my stepmom loving him. My mom has her boyfriend loving her. My grandparents have each other. My cousin has his parents. My best friend is his mom's center of the universe. My another best friend (I have many best friends) has her boyfriend for such a long time, whom she's not even sure if she'll ever get married to against her parent's wishes. Most people have someone. But not me. That's a dumb thing to say. Everyone loves me. My family. My relatives. All my best friends. But they love everyone else too. Even dad loves me… or I suppose he does. But my brother is the apple of his eyes. He can do anything for my brother. The world means nothing to him against his younger son. I appreciate that. I past the phase of jealousy. There's nothing to envy in any case. I never shared such a father son relationship with dad. I thought I was the most important person for mom. I thought she loved me the most. I was content with the fact that of all people I'm special someone to at least one person. I was counting my whole life upon it. But how does it feel that the only feeling of love you have ever had is snatched right away? How does it feel that the love you invested in is fallacified in a matter of seconds? It's like it never existed ever. She finds her boyfriend and asks me to leave. And I leave. Its okay. I fret and fury and life's back on track. Like always. I have always been the second one. I have always had to share the least bit of love I get to people more important than me. It's become a way of life for me now. So I don't fret anymore. I just sigh.
If only living a life was that easy. The one thing I never learned is what is love. I never understood it. It's always remained as an element of enigma for me. Or rather an element of confusion. I mistake everything for love. I misconceive every emotion for love. I try to find love in anything I get. Is it like how they mistake anything for food out of a desperate starvation. My starvation is of the soul. It's so empty inside. I just try so hard to grope and grapple at anything to whole that void. But it doesn't. Because not just anything is love. My friend once joked, tell me one person you haven't had a crush on? It was a miniscule joke relied on the forgetfulness of an average mind. But I didn't forget. Because it's a sheer truth she blurted out. I just fall for anyone and everyone. Anyone who's nice to me. Anyone who's sweet to me. I just fall for them. Is it love? No, you'll say it's infatuation. But what do I know how differentiating between love and infatuation. For all I know is the feeling inside me that swells like tears in eyes when anyone is nice to me. When anyone is sweet to me. It's a crushing feeling. And I hang my heart out there like the stupidest person on the face of earth only for it to be stomped by indifference. It's not love. It's never love. They're just being nice. And I being an emotional fool just fall for it. I smile in vain. I daydream in vain. I cry and cry in vain. And then I go all over it all over again. I do this mistake everytime and still never learn. It's so innumerable now, that 'Heartache' is an understatement now. I just wish if only it would get all over once and for all. I'm so tired of doing this everytime. I'm really, really, tired…
