The Halwa Controversy

I flunked in 2nd year as everyone knows. I entered a new batch very consciously. Thank Heavens, fourteen other classmates too flunked along with me. So in this new batch, I stepped in with an iron armour. We were the first flunkies in the history of College of Art. And on top of that everyone knew I was gay. So a double whammy. For the first few months I stuck to my herd (The flunky herd, who graze in the backside of all their classes) Then slowly and gradually I started opening up. I made friends with people from the new batch. And by now I was friends with most of the girls (Will & Grace effect- gay, girl and gossip are synonymous terms) Yeah there are a few guys too, the sweet and gullible ones, who don't really care if you're gay. They're just happy being friends with everyone, and I respect them for that. And apart from that I made nice acquaitainces with almost the whole batch, even the students from the Painting and Sculpture department. So by the end of this second 2nd year, I was on top of the world. I made so many friends and college-life was going so smooth that I started telling people around that this current batch is the best batch I ever had (No offense friends from my previous batch, I still love you. But cum'on we all know I wasn't much of a hit back then, was I?)

 

So right when I thought this was the perfect college life I could ever have, it all blew up in my face. One day, I got to hear about a lot of nasty stuff the guys talk about me being gay. One of the major ones is that, they call us "Halwa". Yes, you read it right. Halwa. I know, right? Why on earth Halwa? Like how does Halwa correlate to being gay? Why not Rasgulla or Gulab-Jamun or even Rasmalai, that even sounds gay. And how on earth did they come to know that my mother took great pleasure in stuffing Sooji ka Halwa down my throat since childhood till the time I even came to know the meaning of the term 'Gay'? So, my whole image of a great batch, great college life came crashing down like a castle of cards. I was surprised. I sulked and stuttered. And I was pissed. The names I got were most of the straight guys in our batch. And the worst part was that I took them as my good acquaintainces. They would always be nice to me and greet me whenever they saw me. And I simply couldn't believe that it was them who talked things like this about me. Not that I was any stranger to all of this. Being the class weirdo for ten years back in school taught me enough. But back then I didn't even know who I was so I ignored it all. And I was so used to it. But now after traversing the arduous journeys of coming out of the closet and estabilishing an identity for myself, this was something totally uncalled for. I was angry this time. I stopped all the routine formality of hi's and bye's, leave alone even talking. I stepped back into that iron armour. But this time, it was all stuffy and rusted inside. For a long time I was confused. I just didn't know how to react. But as I always say, time is a miracle medicine.

 

I realised I was angry because in spite of all the suicide attempts and the bouts of depression I slowly started to believe that the world is a better place to live in after all. My first 2nd year was screwed up, at least it was much better in the second go. I believed I was a part of a "batch", which is more like a team. And I was angry because I was wrong. But now I realise, that I'm actually thankful to all these people. They made me understand that nothing is ever perfect. No matter however hard I try, I can never fit in. I will always stand out. Be it in college or workfront or family or anywhere else. I was born to stand out. But it's fine. I accept it. I'll read it otherwise as : "I was born to be out-standing!" How about that? So bring it on! Call me Halwa if you want. If I can make peace with G**** then this is nothing. And you know what? I even love Halwa. The only halwa I don't like is Sooji one (Sorry mom, I always hated it!) But I'll make it easier for you. Call me Gajar Ka Halwa, in case you forget the name is Shubham Bose Roy.